24 Real World Self Defense Lessons – Ways To Catch Your Breath In Disaster

This article is not a guide to your becoming paranoid, but just imagine for a moment that there are 24 situations that could take your breath away due to a serious event or threat. Whether Mother Nature is wreaking havoc, or somebody is out to get you, you need think hard about dealing with, and surviving threats. We will set up some scenarios along with some ideas that could help you catch your breath and live!

First Things First: Self Defense Basics

Before we dig in, try some of these suggestions on for size – are you already ahead of the curve? Study threats, both natural and manmade. Become smart enough to be a blessing to yourself, family and those around you.

Natural threats range from botanicals that can make you very sick or very itchy, to cacti that can make a point to irritate you. Be aware of low-hanging limbs, hung up limbs, and limbs on the ground that can leave you tripped up. You already know that lightning is a killer especially under that tree where the rain doesn’t drip because it knows better. But what about floods when the sky is clear? You know that the moss grows on the north side, but what is the significance of the tree with the bark and moss shredded off? You might earn a badge with some of these topics.

Review the laws regarding armed self-defense. Your attacker has enough relatives to keep you in court for a lifetime if their cousin-attorney can convince the jury that you are the attacker instead of the victim. It is absolutely essential for you to know what it means to fear for your life or to feel threatened with great physical harm.

For self-defense I suggest taking Krav Maga. It fits all ages, shapes and physical condition. Study it long enough to be able to do an aggressive strike one second before the enemy attacks you. To hesitate is to lose.

For home defense, a shotgun is best, if the wasp spray doesn’t stop the intruder. Will a pistol round go through a wall into the next room or even the next house? Ask professionals for comments.

Get professional training in firearms and other weapons. Purchase your own weapon and practice with it. Apply for a concealed carry permit. Practice safety at all times.

24 Ways to Catch Your Breath After a Calamity or Attack

The Crisis … You are all dressed up for shopping and lunch with the girls when you notice the Wimpy Weirdo looking your way. You still spot him following you even after you do a couple of evasive maneuvers. You duck into your favorite Scarves “N” Earrings to get a quick photo of him from between displays, to show Security. However, he has done an end run by coming in through the back door of the earrings store, behind you. He slips a $40.00 scarf over your head and begins choking you.

The Result …”I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … First, draw your head down between your shoulders like a turtle retreating into the shell. At the same time slip both hands behind your neck to grab the scarf and pull for slack. Slide your hands forward along the scarf to the area between your ears and jaw to protect your arteries. Pull scarf away from your neck. Swing one foot with force back behind you up into his groin, then you NAIL him by straightening your leg down and stomping your 4-inch spike heel into the top of his foot. As he bends over in great pain, spin around and NAIL his left eye to the wall with your elbow. Catch your breath after you locate Security.

The Crisis … I was 12 and my brother was 9. We lived in a rural area, where the terrain was gently sloping and nestled against the foothills of a range of mountains. There was a large arroyo about a hundred yards behind the house where we played. We had to drop down into the bottom at one place where a little side ditch drained into the big one. The bottom was sandy with a small trickle of water that was always there. One day we had our trucks and cars, and some big rocks that became hills in our imaginary town. One of the little town roads cut across the trickle that we named the “Mississippi”. My brother was on his hands and knees digging a little pond while I was stretched out flat on my stomach looking a big red ant in the face, trying to decide how to make a corral for a Red Angus. My brother made a soft little sound that caught my attention –

“Whoooooooooo.” I asked, “What kind of fish do you have in the pond, an Owlfish?” He grinned and said, “It’s a Train Trout”. We both laughed. After a brief moment, I asked him, “Where did get that kind of idea?” He mumbled, “I heard a train whistle and train and trout sounds good together.” “Oh”, I replied. Another moment of silence, and then we both heard the train. He jumped up and said, “There isn’t any train here!” I froze, then scrambled to my feet and tried to look up over the edge of the ditch thinking maybe a truck was coming across the field, but I was too short. He looked down the ditch and then turned to look up the ditch where he saw something white with tree limbs sticking out of it. “Flood! Flood! Run!”

At first, we both did some kind of jungle dance trying to find the way out of the ditch. Then we spotted our little ditch. Scrambling up to the top and looking back we could see a 50-foot, sloping wedge of foam coming fast. The roaring was so loud we couldn’t hear each other yelling. Limbs, brush and branches were laced through the foam and it was climbing higher. We backed away from the edge, even though the flood was still about three feet below the edge. It was terrifying.

The Result … “WE CAN’T BREATHE!”

Our Move … It was too late for us to make some sort of planned defensive effort. And the move we did make was simply a terror-motivated escape. Although we were out of harm’s way, we were both traumatized because it was a very close call- a “ULUZ” episode. The flood was a puzzle to us because there had been no storms at all. Talking with our parents that evening, we found out that there had been several thunderstorms in the mountains some twenty miles to the north of our area.

It took the floods almost three hours to make it down to our little play village. Dad checked out the ditch the next morning and said it was about 35 feet wide where we had been and that the sides of the ditch showed water had risen to three and a half feet. It only takes about six inches of fast-moving floodwater to sweep feet out from under a person. Our village had disappeared. There was a 40-foot skeleton of a dead cottonwood tree half buried in the sand about 30 feet downstream. It was a ghostly image to carry in our minds over the years. Since then, I have read numerous accounts of flood tragedies. It still makes me catch my breath just remembering the scramble up the little ditch to safety.

The Crisis … Hiking out in the desert with a group of young folks from church, we were following a path through the brush and tall grass. A girl was in front of me in the 6th position back from the lead person. The path had several curves as it wound through and between large boulders. One big rock ahead had a flat top and a lot of grass at the base. Suddenly the girl stopped, totally frozen in place. Looking ahead and at the big rock, she spotted a large rattlesnake on the top. We both held our breath for several seconds, as the snake slowly uncoiled and moved to the edge of the boulder. The next thing I remember was the sound of the snake hitting the ground – it was like what you might hear if you held a 5-pound sack of sugar straight out in front and let go. The girl abruptly rose straight up and came backwards like a deer hardly touching the ground.

The Result … “WE DIDN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Our move was “retreat”. The snake did the same thing, except it went around the far side of the rock while we surveyed the territory about a mile toward the horizon.

Could there have been some common sense injected into our groups’ plan to de-fang any kind of threat? Certainly. We could have had a general briefing on the likely presence of snakes, checked to see if there was a First Aid kit in the box with all the sack lunches and made certain that everyone had a walking stick. There could have been some photos of all the critters typical for the area, since several members of the group were not native to the region, not knowing that “Rattler” did not mean a child’s toy. It would have been prudent to have a “guide”, someone with common sense leading the pack. That might have kept the first five persons from walking right past the boulder within striking distance of the coiled snake.

Since the flat top of the boulder was just above the waist of an average person, the snake would have struck an upper arm if it was exposed. If the arm was covered, the neck and face would have been the most likely targets. Rattlers have heat-sensing organs that help them locate living things as targets. If you imagine a side view of a person hiking, and identify where the warmest parts of the person would be, you would have legs, if shorts were worn. Next you have arms, exposed stomach and back, and the head and face to top things off. From the snake’s view of radiant areas, it will strike the legs if it is starting from the ground. In our case, the snake might not have even been able to view the legs, because its position was already waist-high. Would we have had a fatality with an upper-body strike? Need to catch your breath.

The Crisis … Attacker shoves a huge fist into your belly putting permanent dents on both sides of your stomach that match his knuckles and your spine.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … You should back away to gain some time. Leave, if possible. If not, and if he advances on you, put your hands out and yell “Stop!” loud enough for at least a dozen people to be able to testify that you are the victim. As he gets closer to you, you can know when he is starting to swing or stab or point his gun at you. You must block his arm movement with your forearm while you NAIL your other hand against his throat to collapse it, or hit his eyes with your hand, or hit his nose with your open palm, or swing your knee into his groin with enough force to put him into orbit. If he is then disabled, leave area and call 9-1-1. Remember this – if he is disabled, or asks for mercy, or tries to leave, and you go after him, you become the Perpetrator and he becomes the Victim!. ULUZ – See you in the slammer.

The Crisis… Two huge fists grab you by the throat from behind, as he demands your money. You notice he has bad breath.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Grabbed from behind? Always shrug your shoulders and try to draw your head down into your body like a turtle. Shove your body back against him and pop out of your shell with a head butt backwards. This will make him arch backwards and that’s why you will either reach back with your hand for his groin and “JET” whatever you grab (Jerk-Extract-Toss), or you will bend your leg at the knee backwards into his groin with two or three “DIAS” (Do It Again Sam). If there is still an unresolved issue in his mind, pry one of his fingers up and break it. You have about 4 seconds to do all these, so move fast, before you pass out from lack of blood flow to your brain. Catch your breath on the way to find Security.

The Crisis … Imagine you are in a service at a large church with nearly 1,500 folks. Suddenly there is a scuffle at the main entry into the auditorium. Looking around from your position near the rear you can see clearly, two masked men with automatic weapons, bands of ammunition and several grenades strapped around their camo flak jackets. They are fighting the two elderly ushers. Both ushers go down and the terrorists yell out something that strikes panic throughout the auditorium. Shots are fired and three grenades send pieces of bloodied wooden pews flying into the drapes around the sides of the room. People are screaming and crying.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … If you are like most of the folks, you are scrambling for cover anywhere you can find it, even if you have to shove the kids out the way. There is total panic throughout the auditorium.

Most churches that I know anything about, have no plan apart from the “ULUZ” standard approach which is “Call 9-1-1, Hurry!” followed by “Did anyone call 9-1-1 yet?” “My God, There’s blood everywhere – are the Police here yet?” and “There are three dead over here!”

If you don’t know the typical response time for Emergency Responders, maybe you should ask someone. If you have no idea how long it takes a person with major arterial flow to bleed out, is there some reason why you haven’t called a medical provider? Try it – you might not like it.
There would be other shouts, but the shots and explosions drown out everything.

If you have not read the book, “Shooting Back”, by Charl van Wyk, it tells the story of just such a situation. Published by WND Books, it is a must-read for every Bible-believing worshipper in America where at least 70 are gathered. Why 70? Just to make the point that 58 were injured and 11 died in St. James Church when terrorists attacked. “But”, you ask, “That is only 69 … you said ’70’…what’s up?” There was another key person – Charl van Wyk. And he was the only person in the whole congregation of nearly 1500, who was armed, trained, capable and concerned enough to take on the terrorists.

Is there anyone in your congregation like Charl? Take a deep breath and begin to plan for serious security for your congregation.

The Crisis … The guy with the huge legs throws you down and puts a scissors lock on your chest.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … You need to act fast. His groin should be accessible to one of your hands so do a “JET” (Jerk, Extract and Toss). At the same time, send your other hand upwards to “NAIL” his nose or to collapse his windpipe. If he is really big and you cannot reach that far, grab a big handful of chest hair, skin and nipple, even through his shirt, and “JET”. He will immediately check out the damage, which will bring his face close enough to attack as above. While he is writhing in pain, catch your breath and leave.

The Crisis … The guy with the huge hairy arms gets a headlock on you and you are suddenly aware that he reeks with a blend of beer, garlic and B.O.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … This calls for the “DEODORIZE” defensive move, which means you will remove the offending glands. Reach up under his arm and grab a huge chunk of hairy flesh and twist while tucking your chin down and back to slide out of the hold. While your body is reaching up under his arm and your chin in ducking down, you will naturally be rotating toward him which means it is time to jab your other hand into his groin and “JET” him. All this will cause him to look down which allows you to wipe across his eyeballs with your open fingers. He will not care that you are leaving to catch your breath.

The Crisis … There was a spot on the sidewalk that you cursed at least once a week over the last year. What happened to create the slight uplift of the section of concrete to expose a corner about 3/4ths of an inch above the next section? Why did your 1/2-inch sole seem to have radar that could seek out that particular target even when you weren’t looking? Blame the elm tree that has been pumping nutrients to and from that massive root beneath the concrete.

The neighbor with the freshly baked pie in the oven-safe dish who walked briskly up to present your family a friendly gift tripped on that corner, just like you. Unlike you though, the neighbor stretched out in slow motion with the pie lifted high to avoid hitting the concrete. Slowly, inch by inch, the neighbor slammed onto the concrete and the dish shattered scattering sweet shards 15 feet onto a 40 degree radius of your yard.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … The neighbor is speechless for several seconds, then wipes blood from the sidewalk where the chin did its thing. You are speechless, too. “ULUZ” because you failed to remedy a clear and present danger to pie-bearers. It will be an expensive dessert for sure. And it will likely cause you to hold your breath during some of the proceedings to follow.

The Crisis… The big hairy guy wearing the iridescent blue Spandex Bikini shoves you under the foamy surf.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … “NAIL” his groin with your left knee. Then with your left foot pointing straight forward, jab your toes into his belly and downward, catching his Spandex. Then jam your foot deep into the sand, shoving the Bikini totally out of sight. When he reacts to the groin injury and the embarassment of losing his blue Bikini, he will be looking down. Your palm strike upward into his nose should be enough to let you catch the next wave, and your breath, too. Leave the water immediately; sharks can smell his blood from a long ways off.

The Crisis… The huge guy’s girlfriend walks by and gives you a big smile, blinking her eyes exactly three times!

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … After the big hairy guy knocks you face down on the floor and sits on your back, you decide to never look at another woman with a big guy for a boyfriend. As you begin to see little sparkles, you roll as much as you can to one side – maybe the right side, using your left leg to support his weight. Then draw up your right knee as far as you can, and bring your left forearm up under your chest. With a great burst of strength, you launch your knee and forearm into the floor to lift the left side of your body upwards, tilting the huge guy off balance, Then you get a death grip on his nose, ears, or whatever else is handy, and “JET” him, while struggling out from under. Catch a breath as you run for the door.

The Crisis… Susie Steroids throws a pitcher-full of Root Beer right in your face.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Because you are fully aware of your surroundings, you know you can quickly back away to the wall to get a couple of seconds to wipe your face. Seeing Susie grab the pan of thick crust, you know that your first move is to completely stop her, so you forcefully shove off from the wall and “NAIL” your head into Susie’s belly, hearing the “Swishhh” of her breath echoing off the front windows. You leave the area as her voice barely squeeks, “I can’t breathe!” but you can!

The Crisis … She is fit, tanned, energetic and a very capable steerer of the stroller, deftly directly it around strange obstacles as she heads to the park. The slack wires of her earphones are swinging rhythmically, keeping pace with her stride. The “CPPZ” (City Park Perpetrators) loser on the bicycle spotted her from across a grassy knoll and swings over to the sidewalk where he approaches her slowly, passes and then circles back, riding up from behind her and grabs her purse off the shade of the stroller and is gone. Coasting to a stop she appears dumbfounded and of course …

The Result … “SHE CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Another “ULUZ” Was it avoidable? Probably. At least some very basic efforts needed to be a part of the story. With the aid of hindsight, let’s list the items that “should have been”. Distracted by the earphones, she might have been able to hear him scrub the bike tires when turning behind her. Placing the purse completely out of sight would have been easy. Maybe she should have taught her little one to recognize perpetrators since she didn’t pass the test in this little story.

Too harsh? Not really. In today’s world, it is essential to profile, but in order to preserve the beauty of our friendly American nature, we must also include a template of innocence when sizing up people. It is a challenge, especially when your lineup includes all ages and appearances in a wide variety of settings.

Speaking of settings, let’s take a moment and consider hazardous settings and situations. What about when you need to profile, or when you never should have left home at all?

There is a small population of evildoers in the church congregation, although we are all hypocrites to an extent. Otherwise Christ wouldn’t have to defend us on a daily basis. But the hardened criminal would stand out in the average Sunday School crowd. It is not too hazardous.

However, at 3 A.M., in the alley behind the nightclub, where the aroma of pot circles ominously around you, and the hypo crunches beneath your shoe, it may be a good time to profile vigorously. It might also be time to ask yourself what the heck you are doing there at that time of night. Good grief! Take a deep breath and think, if you are still able.

In the normal hours of being around folks, there are characteristics to watch for like “CPPZ”- the City Park Perps bent on smash and grab. They will have running shoes, not flip-flops. They won’t be lugging an armload of packages. Nor will they wear clear eyeglasses that reveal their eyes, which are usually telling you something.

If the person coming toward you seems overly shy, avoiding eye contact, and holding hands and arms close to their body, they could simply be socially inept, or they could be trying to avoid attention because they are planning something totally despicable. If they turn slightly away from you, be ready for a sudden turn back to grab or hit you.

Regular folks will present an open and neutral, if not friendly, bodily attitude. They will sometimes smile and nod at you if they notice your glance at them. If your mouth is partly open with a serious or neutral attitude as you are being approached, and you break into a very slight smile upon catching their glance, it will charm them into responding favorably, if they are among the non-threatening folks that make up the majority of Americans.

Now it is time to get back to another crisis.

The Crisis … Meet the “PLPZ” Parking Lot Perpetrators – The homeless fellow approaches you, his face twisted in mock pain, and the crutch under his right arm is steadying him as he reaches out with his left hand for whatever bills you can share. When you tell him you gave at the office, his pain shifts into Overdrive and his eyes convey his next move. Your comment might soon be…

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … As he leans forward, he starts to swing the crutch with his right arm in a curving arc toward the side of your head. You grab his hair and shove his head into the oncoming crutch. If he doesn’t go down, you “NAIL” his face with your knee. Call Security before you order that latte to help you catch your breath. “PLPZ” – Parking Lot Perps may ask for the time, or hit you up for money, or ask for directions, or worse, urgently ask you to “…please, please, come help me find my kitty – it is about this big and has a cute little orange patch across its little face. The last place I saw it was right over here by the patch of bushes.”

The Crisis … Husband was busy, so you had to go pick up the kids at their Krav Maga class. (Yayy!) Stopped at the traffic light with the car window down, you catch a whiff of something weird. The 20-Something Druggie reaches inside your window and slaps a cloth over your face and yells, “Let this rev your engine!” Realizing instantly that the odor you noticed was some kind of anesthetic, you block the impulse to breathe!

The Result … “I MUST NOT BREATHE!”

Your Move … Different situation! The attacker is about to try to hijack you and your car, along with the twins in the baby carrier in the back. With a dose of nitrous lingering in the moist handkerchief, he hopes to get you into a stupor before the light changes. Your instant reaction is to shoot your fingernail-laden right hand up his arm and into his face, where you “JET” a pound of flesh. Keep holding your breath. If the light has changed you can safely leave. If the light is still red, it means you need some more of his blood, so slide your hand down to his neck and “JET” the jugular. He will quickly withdraw the handkerchief from your face and transfer it to his. Drive away as you take a fresh breath, to the nearest safe place and call 9-1-1 with a description of a very woozey would-be carjacker/kidnapper who is seeking a clinic to try to save his left eye. Mention the blood trail – it always helps the authorities if they have a blood trail. You can breathe now.

The Crisis … It might be some Mash, or Mosh, maybe The Monster, or a major E-invite to “My Place – The elders are on vacation”. Whatever it is, it will morph into a “VIRALIZE” because somebody will twit pics faster than you can pick zits. Your reputation is now in the Cloud, and that ain’t good for your career or your relatives. You might yodel through the night, charming the distant Yetis, but in the morning, you will moan softly …

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Sudsing may boost the beverage industry, but it puts you at risk in so many ways, and might endanger someone else. In a crowd, packed in like a sausage, puts you in touch with too many patties. The Monster is guaranteed to relieve of you any gastric load of carnival goodies, which is worse coming than going. Speaking of Going – Sending out the unlimited email invites to a party is a flat-out disaster. Fights, damage to the home and destruction of trust within the family are natural consequences of this gross irresponsibility. Invitations hitting social media grow like the fungal infection you had last year. Know ye not that the Gangbangers watch, go, join, eat and drink for free, sniff and snort with everyone else, take over and then fight and shoot at their rivals? Give me a break! Who in the world deliberately disconnects their own synapses? “ULUZ”

The Crisis… “Polar Bear on the Floor!” A sudden blow to the head is delivered by someone coming up from behind you or walking toward you. Gang members  may think it is fun or a mark of worth for joining their gang, but watch how fast they forget the Newbie who is now in for life. The victim may not even be able to cry out …

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … The goal is to “NAIL” you with one sucker punch. “Polar Bear” simply means an older person is the target. The “Floe” might refer to a flat mass of ice where polar bears hang out, or it might be a bit of slang referring to the deck. Hopefully you are aware of the possibility of attack every time you pass any person, male or female, any age. If they seem friendly, always give a smile with your hand on your weapon, or, if you left it in the drawer at home, have your hands ready to deflect a strike to the head. As regarding someone coming up from behind you, you will want to constantly monitor who is trailing you. By checking reflections in the car windows alongside the curb, you can spot a person who acts suspicious. Look carefully at the store window reflections, especially the glass facing you on the side of the entrance leading into a store because they give you a better look to the rear. Windows on the far side of the street might help, too. If you think you are about to be attacked or your LouisVuitton knock-off stolen or cell phone grabbed, you can duck into a store, or turn and face the person with your bear spray canister ready. Hold your breath and try to leave promptly if you do spray; it is vicious, especially for polar bear hunters. As you can tell, the best action in this situation is to be aware and ready. Otherwise, this can be a rough one. They usually split after the hit, but if you are down and the person is attacking you, your strongest defense is your concealed carry pistol. Next is your spray, and then your legs and feet. Kick with all your might against his shins or knees if you can reach that high. If he is hovering over you, his groin is a perfect target for a kick “DIAS”! That should end his happy times. No need to be kind, kick with all your might; this kind of trash needs to be permanently off the streets. Once he is unconscious, sit up and catch your breath, unless the bear spray is still lingering. Pray for wind.

The Crisis… In a typical community of 100,000 with about 25,000 residential units, there can easily be 1800 forced-entry home invasions a year. Once inside, all sorts of mayhem can take place. Duct tape across the eyes and mouth along with ankles and hands wrapped up makes a serious problem … especially if you suffer from clogged sinuses.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Stay calm … ridiculous, of course, but you can psyche yourself to calm down, because you have been practicing calm thoughts, along with practicing holding your breath, just in case you ever needed this skill. For your tape problem, look diligently for any edges or points that you can work into the tape to tear it. If you can find a corner that you can push the tape into your mouth, you might be able to bite with your teeth. Look for a pointed item like a door-stop, a glass aquarium or vase. You may be able to rotate your belt to bring the buckle to your wrist tape. The buckle could have a corner or decoration with a bit of an edge. Try to reach that sharpened credit card. Hang in there and you will find some way to wear the tape to be able to tear loose. Don’t give up. Catch your breath!

The Crisis … Planting pineapple tops in the garden requires some serious care, kneeling and reaching with both hands to shape the soil, focusing on the small roots that are so susceptible.

Suddenly the hair on the back of your neck, which has been paying attention to your surroundings while you’ve been distracted, is demanding attention. Too late, he slips a dark pillowcase over your head and hauls you to your feet by slipping his arm under your chin and you …

The Result … ” … CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … “ULUZ” … or at least so far, you lose. Can you untangle the vicious web you have unwittingly spun like a garden spider? Maybe, starting with biting the arm that holds you, then you “NAIL” him with the hand shovel. What? You don’t have it? OK, kick hard back into his groin while tucking your head downward and into his side to get some room to slip your head out of his grip. Let the pillowcase stay on his arm, unless you see that he is doubled over due to excruciating pain in the nether parts, in which case the case could be dropped over his head instead. Dismiss the brief idea of burying him right then and there. Composting is great, but not with meats and fats – corrupted compost isn’t good gardening.

But, what about 1/16th of a pound of prevention? Start with a reflecting ball – the kind with little mirrors all around like at the Prom. If you can pick up a small one for little or nothing, it can be placed in front of your work area to give you some warning. Better yet, how about one of those inexpensive 10-inch high bud vases with a slight taper and flat sides. Then you can glue little mirrors from the hobby shop and have a better look at who is looking at you. And maybe you can work with your back to the wall or fence giving you a better view of who… Speaking of who, you need to know who is behind you at the office restroom sinks. so make a cute vase with mirrors to place there, too. The other workers will be breathless at your creativity.

The Crisis … “MST” Mall Sex Traders are slithering in malls across the country. The first time someone you know disappears without a trace, it could be a “MST”-ery to most people, but you know what might have happened, and the realization of that will make any parent cry out, …

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Serious steps must be taken to curb this damnable trafficking. Talk with local law enforcement representatives about their setting up sting operations. It has to be cloaked in secrecy, of course, but hopefully, PD will get some word to you about successes. Suggest working with the food vendors and Mall Security by training them on what to watch for in behavior patterns. Mall Management could install alarms linked to Panic Buttons on the targets, that would alert Security personnel to attempt to delay or block the MST or at least to photo ID the getaway vehicle. Get in touch with the School Administration and promote education for the students. Try to figure out a way to equip young targets with discreet GPS locators and panic buttons, linked to a 24/7 responder. If investigators would check with convicted offenders, they might be willing to spill the beans on someone they know or on a network. Research indicates this is a major criminal enterprise.

The Crisis … Rip Tides have nothing to do with Huggies and methane. Rather they are innocuous (I like that word. It has something to do with requesting a shot for everyone).
Beachgoers are generally aware of these shallow water suckers with deep roots. During stormy weather, they can really be a threat. Once caught and getting panicky, a swimmer might swallow a briney and feel totally overwhelmed. When they can’t yell, they are thinking …

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Lifeguards monitor conditions constantly and must be obeyed. The rip tide is formed when the incoming waves pack water onto the beach that drains off to the sides. Bottom contours sometimes change as the sands scour away and deposit someplace else. The side draining should be an obvious clue that you are being shifted by the current. One clue is when you notice your spouse is not on the same towel, and not even wearing the same bathing suit. As you strain to verify that things are changing, you might notice that you have to squint and strain just to see the beach, which is receding into the distance. A sure clincher is when you notice the offshore rig drifting past you. Don’t even wonder how it broke loose from its moorings. “ULUZ” and there aren’t many options at this point. If there is a significant wave you might catch it and body surf a ways, but it is unlikely to help. If you were missed and the alarm got to the lifeguard, you stand a good chance of having dinner at home. If nobody noticed, don’t take it personally, you really are a neat person with lots of potential, if dealing with manual tasks. People who know tell you to immediately swim at right angles (OK, left angles will work too) to the current, which means swim parallel to the beach. Since the rip tide is usually a fairly narrow current, you will be out of it soon and you will be able to reach the beach, where you will lurch about in search for someone wearing a certain color bathing suit on a special beach towel. Close call.

The Crisis … ” Dear Diary: Today the transmission went out, or at least it sounded like it did, and I immediately put the car in Park and got out to look under the car where the transmission is supposed to be, I didn’t see any oil, so I went to the back of the car and saw some rope with cans tied onto it, and it was all tangled up on the bumper, so I started to unravel the mess. As I stretched out the rope to find any knots, the whole thing pulled away from me. Did I put the car in Neutral instead of Park? About that time I heard my door shut. Peeking around to see what that was all about, I watched my car slowly drive away and turn to the right and leave the parking lot. The last I saw of my car it was headed in the direction of the next freeway onramp with my office, house, safety deposit box, and truck keys, all linked together hanging from the ignition. I rested for an hour and a half at the Police Station where I found out that my car was actually driven off by a bad person, who probably put the rope and cans on the bumper to get me out so he could get in. Pretty slick. I never even got a good look at him. Not my best day. Taxi to the apartment. Fixed a hot fudge sundae. G’nite.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Car theft is pure trauma. To know someone was lurking at the supermarket parking lot, sitting under the tree at the far end of the lot is very unsettling. He was timing you as you walked into the store, so he knows exactly how much time he has to do whatever he wants with your car before he has to slip away to hide three cars down. In reality, he probably has at least half an hour because he knows you are getting at least one item, and he was in the store and saw the lines at the registers. But he is cautious. From his vantage point by the tree he knows what you are wearing and can easily spot you when you come out and turn toward the car. Timing to the second, he knows exactly when to look at you through the windows of the cars between your car and his position. Crouching down he sees you pull forward, and listens for you to stop and open the door. That is his cue to move immediately to the front of your car and around to the driver’s side door, and enter. Slipping the car into gear, it begins to move forward. He closes and locks all the doors and begins a right turn knowing it will be harder for you to see him. Speeding up he knows you cannot get in and probably won’t hang onto the door handles. Heading to the freeway, he has everything he needs to know about you, where you live, and more. “ULUZ”. This works at the gas stations too, if you tend to pump your own gas, are alone and leave the keys in the car. If you take the keys with you, the bad guy might try to slip into the back floorboard. “ULUZ” Check out your surroundings, take your keys with you to pump or to go inside the station.

The Crisis… Nature abhors a vacuum, which means any empty-headed human is in danger. This episode involves the fellow fishing in his aluminum boat on the lake. He is using a bass plug and making long casts into brush along the shore. He hears thunder in the distance, but is not concerned since there hasn’t been any lightning in his area. However, he doesn’t know that cute little poem, “When thunder roars, get indoors”. He is making good progress with the fishing. He just landed a nice bass after wrestling it into the boat, splashing water all over the place. Just as he casts that double treble-hook on a stainless steel plug with a silver spinner spoon on the swivel in front, he notices his hair standing on end “Wow!” he exclaims, “A good omen, Yayy!” He leans back, ready to set all those hooks and bring home the bass-bacon. There is a huge “BANG” and he does a back flip into the deep!

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … You know better than to be on a lake when a storm is near the area. Metal boat, fishing rod with metal guides, long, high casts with metal plug … it all adds up to “ULUZ”. Lightning is a possibility even if the storm seems to be miles away. In this fictional account, our dimwit is all lit up. Somehow surviving, he is greeted later that day with a citation for electro-fishing. The Warden asks if he has been frying bacon.

The Crisis … Giving up on lake fishing, our sportsman goes for bear hunting. He has hunted 6 seasons in a row with no luck. This time he decides to chum with 12 ounces of bacon. A bear, two mountain lions, a skunk and a badger join him in the picnic. He gets a big hug of gratitude from the bear.

The Result … “I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Your Move … Our Better-Off-Crocheting hunter, who miraculously survived several years of hunting, may not make it this time. You are saying the guy is so out of it that he deserves whatever he gets. There are differing opinions about what to do. Did he set up a perimeter of noisemakers … bring bear repellant … a sidearm … a decoy? Not a chance. Prior to the hug, he may be able to present a larger-than-real picture by raising his arms with his jacket spread out. Some say he should lie down in the fetal position and be still, and hope he only gets a couple of swipes. Others believe a bear’s vision is so poor that being perfectly still will work, but this bear can read the label on our hunter’s shades. If he is already in the midst of this love fest without his gun, he might try the eye gouge. Bite the nose? A bear’s sense of smell is supposed to be able to tell a Chevy from a Ford, which means our unwashed bacon distributor will have a stub to brag about after the 6 months of therapy. Any hope? Let us hear from you on this guy.

Definition of Homemade Terms

You may notice some new terms that I have created to help clarify the details of an event.

• “JET” (Jerk, Extract, Toss) Borrowed from Lore of the Old West, it was what the ranch hands did when cutting calves, with the local hounds being the benefactors after the cook got enough for prairie oysters if served on the plains, or mountain oysters if dished up in the hills, or huevos if served with red enchiladas. Used in this context it refers to a certain technique designed to make an attacker’s hair actually stand on end. It would consist of ripping out the hairy flesh in areas of the body including chest, and crotch.
• “DIAS” (Do It Again, Sam) Repeat your move several times as needed, to fully subdue the attacker.
• “CPPZ” (City Park Perpetrators) Favoring children, these vermin will earn their place in Hell by kidnapping, abusing, stealing, dealing, and trafficking any way they can. Learn the characteristics before you go to the park again. Read the comments of the “PLPZ”. The only difference is the location where they hang out.
• “PLPZ” (Parking Lot Perpetrators) These people are usually alone, but might have a Significant Other too embarrassed to participate. Asking for the time of day, as if they had something to do, is just a way to size you up. Are you alert, looking straight at them, noting their tattoos, hair color and scars? Do you move into a position that allows you to be braced against an attack or launch a significant response? Do they want help with the “under-the-hood” mystery? It leads to the old request to “… fetch me a wrench from inside the van … ‘way inside … just a little farther!” Be especially wary if your perimeter survey indicates a possible assistant three cars down, drifting parallel to the one about to get your attention.
• “ULUZ” (You Lose) – implying you did something stupid, illegal, immoral or unproductive at a critical moment, or failed to do something essential. Hoping nobody knows won’t help.
• “NAIL” – first usage refers to tacking or nailing something. However, here it will mean hitting with an elbow, knee, forehead, heel or any other weapon. Alternate use – to scratch, gouge or climb using sharpened fingernails.
• “VIRALIZE” – posting photos or narratives of events the world might find interesting.
• “DEODORIZE” – a form of “JET”, but always dealing with the underarms.
• “MST” – (Mall Sex Traders) This one refers to Inhuman Sex Traffickers that work the mall where they pay young boys to wine and dine cute girls with sodas and hot dogs. For dessert, the boys slip drugs into the sodas that will help subdue and transport the cargo to parts unknown where the girls are sold as sex slaves. My wife saw a report on this on TV recently. Pass it on to the Mall Kids – save a life of grief.

Most of the material comes from the public domain. Check out publications from NOAA- National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration and NWS-National Weather Service. Homeland Security, FEMA-Federal Emergency Management Agency and American Red Cross are good sources, too. I like Krav Maga for self-defense and there are several updated techniques available, but they will reference back to Imi Lichtenfeld as originator. A few of my own ideas and some corny comments are included. You may have suggestions for different ways to deal with some of these issues… feel free to share in the comments below!

This article is not professional advice on how to deal with the situations presented. The author and the publisher accept no responsibility for the readers’ actions. Readers are encouraged to seek professional counsel if they are threatened in any way, and should contact the appropriate authorities if there may be illegal activities.

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