Survival Skills

Survival Guide for Lazy People



Are you lazy? Do you enjoy life? Chances are if you answered yes to both of those questions, you have yet to seek out a survival guide in the case of an emergency or catastrophe. If so, sit back, and continue to relax in your cargo shorts and loafers as I guide you through surviving the Apocalypse, even if you are too lazy to do the dishes today.

Step 1 (If you feel like it)

Buy paracord. Just like those cargo shorts you are wearing, paracord has multiple purposes in any survival situation. Though fashionable society looks down on those whose choose functionality over fashion, a bear doesn’t decide what part of you to eat first based on which colors match your shoes best. A bear WILL care that you choose to use your 550 paracord to use as a spring loaded snare to hang him upside down in a tree or that instead you used the inside layer of you paracord to fashion a bow to shoot arrows at him. No, bears don’t respond to fashion, but they hate lazy people with paracord.

Step 2 (If it’s on your way)

Survival is possible without water, but only for three days, and though you may miss your Mountain Dew Code Red and Four Loco (you may actually be better off with dirty water), you’ll need to secure yourself some drinkable water if the power goes out. And if in all the Bear Grylls shows you watched you never once thought to yourself that your pee would make an acceptable Mai-Tai, you’re in luck. Drinkable water is always easy to find when you have Potable Aqua. Simply find a moving fresh water source such as a spring, creek, or river, grab a liter of it, filter out the visible sediment, drop two tablets of Potable Aqua in and shake. Thirty minutes later you have drinkable water. And though it may taste bad, you can ensure survival from things like bacteria, viruses, and many cysts such as giardia lamblia.

Step 3 (You can do it later)

While living at home with your parents has become the new hip trend in young adulthood, if a massive forest fire bursts out near your neighborhood, you may finally consider moving out. When you finally do decide to make the move from your parent’s burning home, you’ll notice that it’s difficult to look up apartments on Craigslist without power. And though you won’t be able to fit your 47” LCD into a tent, shelter is necessary for survival in the case of immediate displacement. And if on your last family camping trip, you played Words with Friends while your parents set up the tent, relax, I’ve got your back. A tube tent is the simplest and most practical shelter to set up in the case of an immediate emergency. All you need is two trees, some string and a Polythylene (Plastic) cover and you’ll be sleeping in what smells like your pool floaties in five minutes.

See, that wasn’t so bad. I helped keep your mind off the dishes you didn’t do for a couple minutes and now at least you have an idea of how to survive disasters without exerting to much energy, which when you think about it in terms of survival, isn’t really lazy at all, it’s just efficient. So good luck to all those out there like me. With this guide you can prove that apathy can survive the Apocalypse.